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It was the first day of grade 10, I woke up around 5:30 just to have extra time to get ready. At 7:20 me and my younger sister Tina, waited outside for the bus. Tina was really nervous it was her first day of high school, so she was kind of following me. The bus dropped us off at Lasalle Secondary at 7:47, our bus is one of the first to arrive, so the school was still a bit empty. Even some of the teachers were still arriving.
When we walked in we seen a couple of lists up on the walls, telling people were their classes are. There was a crowd of people lining up to look at the lists. Tina and I had already known were to go, because we had gone to the open house day back in August. I walked down the long hallway to were my home room was, and waited near the lockers for the rest of the kids to show up.
Tina and I just talked until 8:10, when the other busses had arrived. Kids were coming through every door, and since we were close to a door, there would be a cool breeze coming in, starting to give me chills. The quiet empty halls became loud, and packed with people. Listening to the sound of conversations, lockers banging, and pencils and books falling to the ground. Tina looked at every one, and the surroundings, telling me how different this was to her. Tina is a little bit taller than I am, she has blue eyes, and had long blond hair but over the summer dyed it black. I meet up with some kids from last year that I talked to. Chad, Shawn, Eric, Amy, Greg, and my two good friends Jessica, and Andy.
We had spent about a half an hour talking to people, Tina talked to a lot of the kids, because she wasn't as shy as I can be. It was now 8:30 the bell was going to ring any minute. I promised Tina earlier that I would walk her up to her home room. So Tina, Jessica, and I walked her up to the second floor. Jessica and I got into our home room just as the bell rang. We found an empty table near the back to sit at. Pat and Trevor sat down with us, I remember them two way back in Elementary school, I used to be good friends with them. We talked all the way through the announcements, got yelled at a few times to be quiet by one of the teachers helpers. It was to hard to be quiet though. Even though we were laughing at nothing at all.
After lunch, Jessica and I were also in the same class again for English. Jessica is about the same height as I am, she's a bit chubby, with brown eyes, and short black hair. Mrs. Ferguson had already given us our assignment, we were to work in partners, of course I was with Jessica. However Jessica and I were hyper and ignoring our work, talking and acting immature. Just than a new kid had walked into the class room, Jessica and I looked over our shoulders to get a better look. It was a boy, he was standing with some women which was most likely his mother. The women was talking to Mrs. Ferguson. The boy started walking to an empty table, near the left hand side around the back. While he was walking I got a little glimpse of his face, than turned to Jessica "He's cute." "Ew..no he's not." Jessica replied with a disgusted tone.
Days went by, I had found out the boy's name was Shane. Jessica had always tried to make me go and talk to him, but I was way to shy, so I always refused. One day in English Mrs. Ferguson had called me to the back of the class. I got up and started walking slowly, than I noticed Shane standing right beside her. He was looking at me, and I looked at him, this weird feeling came over me, and a nervous feeling came into my stomach. I than noticed Shane was about the same height as me, he had short brown hair, and has the most beautiful blue eyes. When I reached Mrs. Ferguson I didn't look at him once. "What bus do you take home?" "I take N440." I replied a little confused. She said, "OK." I had no idea why she was asking me this, but I didn't bother to ask her. I took one more glance back at Shane, than walked away.
It was September 14,2004. When I got home from school that day, I did my original routine, than went down to talk on MSN. Only Tina and I were at home, it was around 3:15. A gray icon had popped up, saying that someone has added you to your list do you accept? Although I had no idea who the person was I clicked OK anyways. The person had said, "hi." "Who is this?" "Shane." When I saw that, that nervous feeling came back into my stomach. I was wondering how he got my e-mail? I didn't bother to ask him though. I only tried to make conversation. "what's up?" "nothing." That's when I thought our conversation was over, that's usually how long my conversations last. "hey I have something to tell you." not really thinking of what he was going to say, I typed in "OK." "I think your really pretty, and I really like you." My eyes just widened when I seen that, I was amazed..no one has ever told me that before. Finally I had told him how I felt about him. It must have been 4:30, my parents were home making super, when I told him that I had to go. "wait one more thing, will you go out with me?" I was so happy that he asked me..so I typed "yes!!" than got offline.
That Friday, after school Shane and I had made plans to meet in Garson, at Jessica's house. We walked around Garson talked, and got to know each other a little better, I found out that Shane loves cars, tech-no music, and playing video games. The cars kind of bore me, but I also like playing video games. We were soon seeing each other every day, in Garson with Jessica. It was fun, I was really starting to like him. He was nice to me, buying me things, even if I said no. but soon, It was only me and Shane, there was no more Shane, Jessica, and I, No it was just Shane and I. However then I didn't realize I was losing my best friend, Jessica was always with Tina, and calling her never for me. I of course didn't even notice this because I had Shane.
Months had gone by, things were changing. I never seen or talked to Jessica anymore, Andy had met new people and never said a word to me. I was always with Shane, Tina and Shawn were always together now, they were going out. Shane and I would always argue, over the dumbest things too. He was no longer nice to me, he never put his arm around me anymore, he wouldn't tell me that he loved me anymore (he used to say it 5 times a day).He was always yelling at me.. screaming at me. I hated it, I felt so helpless and unloved. I started finding out that Shane was an abuse if person he told me about his child life half the stories I would almost cry when he told me. He was taking out his child life anger on me, it wasn't fair. We would sometimes rough play, but at times for some reason he would go out of control and hit me really hard. At those times he really wanted to hurt me. It wasn't all that bad at the time though, because I really, really loved him. Half the things I just took. He wasn't even fun, I would try to have fun, although sometimes it would mean acting stupid, or immature. He would just say that I was an idiot, call me names he was always insulting me. And he would constatly lie to me.
One Year later we were still together, and yes I still did like him. It was September 23, 2005.(Lisa's Birthday, I think she was turning 17 or 18.) Shane had told me he was going to visit his grandma in Mark's Day for the weekend. That Saturday (Sept 24,05.) he called me around 11:30 am "Hey your back already?" "Lynda I didn't go to my grandma's house." when I heard that...a feeling came over me..a horrible feeling..fear. "than were did you go?" "Last night, I went to Justin's house until 6 than I went to a dance until 11, I dirty danced with two or three girls, and they came over to my house lastnight." I didn't know what to say, my brain was going out of control, memories were flashing through my mind and tears starting coming into my eyes. I than finally managed to say, "Why would you do that?" "I don't know." I was so mad, and I was crying now, swearing at him, and finally hung up the phone. I cried for a good couple days...
Two or three day's later Shane called me, and we talked things out we were going to just be friends. Jessica had moved to Kingston in April, so I couldn't talk to her. Shane was the only one I had left. About 4 months later...it went way to far. Shane would not stop insulting me, being more abuse if than ever, and lying to me none stop. He had a new girlfriend which he lied to me about for a month. I still kinda liked him then. People were telling me to get over him..but I couldn't. He never wanted to call me, he never wanted to see me. One Friday I decided to end it, most because of what he said. We were on the phone talking, he told me the day before that he was going to come and see me. Friday he said he wasn't going to, we were yelling at each other. and Then he had said Kylie was better than me? Now that made me really, really mad. How can she be better than me when he only knew her for a month? And she was better than me?.."Asshole"! then he hung up on me. Ever since then I never called him back, he had called but I didn't answer. It took me a long time to fully get over him. I went 6 months without any sex, or even any kind of sexual contact.. I didn't even wanna talk about it. All in all it took me about One year, and 6 months to get over him completely. I don't know why it took me so damn long when all he did was treat me like shit.
I was talking to Lisa my older sister who was in College at the time out in North Bay. She came home for the weekend....and I told her things that I never told any one else before...something that Shane had done to me. We had a long conversation about him, than I told her..."Once I was at his house and we were playing around, and I don't know why but he just put his hands over my mouth and nose, he put all his weight down too. I couldn't breath or barely move. I was so scared(My oxygen lever had always been low, it got lower of the years, at the time my regular was 74-78. The average is 98-100) I started to cry, I thought I was going to faint I was really scared for my life.... Then he finally let go, and pushed me off his bed. I remember lying on the floor crying and gasping for air." "Oh my god, Lynda why would you even go back there, why did he do that to you, oh my god I hate him for that, I hate that kid now." Lisa sounded as if she was going to start crying. I never told her everything, that was only just "one" of the things he done. Another time he almost did the same thing but was choking me, and finally stopped. And another time (I had sex with him once in a while.) But there was one time when I was lying on his bed and he wanted to do it, but I told him that I wasn't in the mood. (I honestly wasn't!) He tried to, but I kept pushing him off, and telling him to stop and saying No. But he wouldn't give up on trying. So I just gave in. Why did I give in? I don't know...I really, really don't know.
I still don't understand why he did that to me why he was always so mean to me, he never had respect for me, and I wonder if he even actually cared about me? He used to control me. He could put me down when ever he wanted, He controlled my life. I was done, I could no longer take it any further. I regret ever going out with him. I do. If I think about it now, it was a waste. A wasted year. If I wasn't with him I wonder, would Andy still talk to me? I know it wouldn't of made Jessica stay here in Sudbury..but would we still be close? I lost Two great friends Finding friends is hard for me. Shane told me, he didn't want to grow up like his step dad...Well Shane, your exactly like him. He's not even good looking, like what on earth was I thinking?
They say Hate is a strong word. But I mean it when I say "I hate you Shane." you put me through hell, I did not deserve any of this shit. and you had no right to do what you have done to me.
I used to be hurt, hurt because he through me away like I was dirt. I mean nothing to him, and now he means nothing to me. I would cry all the time. Cry for what you done. I cry because I wasted a year, and lost my friends. I cry now because you were my mistake. You may have been my only friend, but I rather be alone...than with you. Still to this day, I cry. You stole a part of me. You left me nothing other than the scars, and the pain.
As much as I want to forget, I'll Never forget, nor will I forgive.
ALL THE PAIN INSIDE.
So much pain. The suffering, the squeezing of your heart, the horrible nervous pain inside your stomach, the tingling feeling between your arms, legs, fingers, and toes. All throughout your body you feel warm sometimes hot, like your burning inside. The wetness within your eyes and down your cheeks. The pain in which you feel day after day. Wondering when this suffering will come to an end.
October 4th, 2006.
HATE.
Hate for what you done. I'll never forgive you. My pain will never end, and my scars will never go.
November 17th, 2006.
WHAT'S LOVE.
February 21st, 2006.
She once said, "If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, because a heart can be broken.. as a circle goes on forever."
Well now, ain't that a bunch of crap, no matter what you do, or how hard you try... it will always end up broken. It will always lead to nothing but pain wishing you could have changed it. Damn do I ever "hate" love.
What's love anyways? It's nothing but a second hand emotion... Something that just messes up you're life. It only leads to horrible aching pain, that stays with you for the longest time.
Wish I could just shove those arrow's up Cupid's ass Give him a taste of his own medicine, show him love is a huge crock a shit! So Screw Valentines day.
Left alone, at the mall.
Sitting on the bench.
Shivering in the cold night.
Nearly in tears.
An hour and a half to wait.
Tonight is October 16th.
Tonight is my Birthday.
I am now 17 years old.
I didn't plan my birthday like this.
Cold, and alone.
Why did I believe him?
He lied to me before, still I went.
Tears start to run down my face.
Once again....
I been used, and lied to.
Ditched.. by the one I love.
Happy 17th Birthday....
By:
Lynda Schutt
Oct/18/06.
I want you to be mine.
I'll give you all of my love!
You're the only one I adore!
Why wont you admit....
you want me too!
I know you do, I've seen it.
I know how you feel,
so why can't you open yourself
up and tell me?
I want to hear you say it,
and I know deep down inside,
you want me to know it.
The love I feel for you,
I know you feel it too!
Oct/6/06.
Do you want to spread my wings? Do you want to make me fly? Do you want to see my color? Do you wanna be my butterfly? (2006 4, 18)
I moved on, then I met you!
There was a time when I loved you.
But you treated me so wrong.
You hurt me like him before you.
So...why try?
(07,02,16)
Depressed and lonely, un seen, and un heard. Couldn't cry no more tears. The touch of a knife was painless, and useless. I was torn. But then.... you saw me. You were the only one who reached out, you seen me, you heard me, and you seen me for who I was, you didn't give up on me. You took my hand and gave me a friend! With trust and with care, you showed me the world, everything I had been missing. You showed me real good times, and those times will never be forgotten. Nothing left but old scars, scars from the past.. and let the past stay behind you. But then..... She came into the picture. I guess love isn't the only thing that is blind. Now, I am un seen, and un heard from.... you. (10,24,07)
