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Hi. I'm Lynda Lori Schutt, I am 19 years old with short blond hair. I have blue greenish grey eyes, I am 5'2ft tall (160 Cm.) and I weigh 120lbs. I'm from Canada Ontario, Sudbury. I still live at home with both my parents and one sister, I have two sisters and 6 pets. Lisa my older sister is 21 and lives in Calgary with her boyfriend Al (23) My younger sister Tina who is 18 is still at home with me. I have one dog: Male-Chase, Three cats, Two are Females, and one is a Male- Billy, Bobby,& Boo. One mouse, female- Raytex. And fish! I am currently single.
I was born on October 16th, 1989. Four days later I was flown to Cheo. (Childrens hospital of Eastern Ontario.) In Ottawa! I was born with a heart condition called, "Hypoplastic left. Double outlet right ventricle." To shortly sum it up, it basicly means that the left side of my heart didn't develop properly, and both of the main ventricles were on my right side of the heart. It made many comlications.
At six months old I had my first Heart-Open surgery, called the Fontan. The Fontan is a three-step surgery. The second surgery for the Fontan was when I was five years old. Then the third at nine years old. I'd go up to Ottawa a lot back then, for regualr check-ups. My two sister's used to get jealouse of when I came back with pointless little toys from resturants, and they said our parents never got mad at me... (of course they were to young to fully understand) However... it still got to me.
Many years had passed and I was still going up to Ottawa, my sister's still thought I was "special," and the regular routine kept up. Until... I was 12 years old. My regular check-ups to Ottawa... didn't turn out to "regular." When we seen the doctor... she didn't say her normal usually stuff, but istead told me (and my parents of course) that the Fontan wasn't sucssessful... It faild... didn't work, well you get the point. Then she said she called other hospitals all over to get idea's on what to do next. "There is three options," she began to say... then paused, and hesitaded but finally she spit it out. "We can atempt to re-doing the Fontan again, or we can do nothing... But you will get worse, and worse and someday end up in the hospital anyways..... There was another short pause, or the third option is... to have a Heart Transplant." Transplant? whhha? oh that didn't go well for me... I started to burst out into tears. Scared as hell now, and not even fully undertanding what a Heart Transplant was. I guess I was to busy crying and in my own thoughts. I don't remember much of my parents reaction or the rest of the converstation. I think I was allowed to leave the room. All I know is, she did tell us they did Heart Transplants up in Toronto.. and there was a Heart Transplant team that we needed to meet... (to see if it's what we wanted to do) I know what my answer was, "NO."
Anyways, the first time we went to the Childrens hospital in Toronto (Sick Kids.) I was 14 years old. Oh was it wayyy different, we got lost coming into Toronto, and in the hospital. Not that it was our first time in Toronto but my dad is just known for getting lost. (We know Toronto now, we know it a lot.) So, I was 14 and we met the Transplant team. They wanted to get me on the waiting list, and I was still saying "No!!" They taught us a lot of stuff... too much stuff, stuff I never wanted to ever hear. Some scary stuff they told us. Later that day we met a doctor, who thought it wasn't time for a Transplant... he had other idea's to hold it off. His name was Doctor Benson! (Lee Benson) I thought he was weird... just the way he acted. Anyways he is super nice! He also reminded me a bit of Al Pacino, in Scarface. (I don't mean the way he acted or talked!!) So, anyways I wasn't put on the waiting list.
Now I had regular check-ups in Toronto, Ottawa was no longer were we went. I do miss it, Ottawa is such a beautiful city. So, Doctor Benson tried different things with me... Unfortenatly it was going nowear. I'm glad he tried though. I was now 17 years old. It was early January 2007. I was always so sick... I wasn't able to go to school anymore, I couldn't walk any wear without gasping for air. My legs were always swollen.. I was always so tired; I couldn't do anything. I was so upset, I felt so depressed it was truly the worst time for me.
I was in Toronto after a small proccedur I had done. Doctor Benson came in my room, and told me... He tried everything he could, and there was nothing more to do... Now I had to choose if I wanted a Transplant. If not, I would soon end up in hospital very sick and not have a good chance at getting a heart. To sum this up... he basicly told me. Live or Die. I was in Heart failur. It was the hardest decision I had to make. Monday February 27th, 2007. I was put on the waiting list.
March 28th, 2007. I had a Heart Transplant.
I was living in Toronto for five months. I was living there with my mom in Ronald McDonald House. Later on sometime in late May, we got our own apt... It was through Rondald McDonald House, so it cost the same price a night ($15.00.) Of course the apt was much better, I got my own room!! However it was still very, very boring. No one came to visit us, other than my dad, and two sisters every two weeks. Lisa was in College so she didn't get to come down often. blah blah, blahhh!!! We finally got to move home on August 4th, 2007.
About two weeks of being back at home... I was back in the hospital. This time however... I was now being diagnosed with Diabetes. So, I am taking insulin every day 7 units in the morning of Lantus. (most recent does.) I still have to go up to Toronto regulary for clinic and Biopsy's.
Okay!! Enough of Medical crap! Sooo, Minus all my medical stuff. I was one to not have many friends... it was always hard for me to make friends. However when I was young I had lots of friends, It basicly started when I was in grade 5. I had just switched schools and didn't know anyone. Tina my youger sister went to the same school as I. Her and her friends always ran away from me... I used to spend reces walking along the bike racks. I also had a big crush on a boy named Riley... I am not one to fall in love easily. I'm very pickey with who I fall in love with.
Anyways grade 5 went and 6th grade came. I once again switched schools but back to the school I went to before!! I'd say grade 6 was my most favorite year ever. Minus the fact my little sister was in my class! I was also in my best friends class, Spenser. In grade 8 I was in a different school again! This time only because Robert Jack, and Folconbridge closed down and everyone transferd to Northeastern, which used to be a high school.
Grade 8 I started Horse back riding, which I really enjoyed.... however, I was put in the theraputic program. For people with "Disablities" pshh... My mom used my Heart condition so she could pay less. Well I was also diganosed with a learning disablity too. When I started grade 7, I was put into a Special Education class. As people refured to it as "Sped" Lots of friends I had didn't want to talk to me anymore since I was now a "sped." Many people made fun of me, and my classmates because of it. Back then it would get to me a lot. So, anyways in grade 8 me and Spenser got further away from each other, and I usually hung out with Tina, Kevin, Trevor, Albert, and my next best friend Stephanie. Who all were in my class other than Tina.
Riley was in Tina's class, and I still had a crush on him. He knew, and he didn't like me what so ever, half because I was a sped.... the other reason I didn't know. Then I went to high school. Spenser and I no longer talked. Stephanie moved to Alberta, and I didn't contact my other friends who were still back in Elementary. Grade 9 was the worst year I've ever experinced. I was still in a Special Education class, I was over Riley, and made a new best friend. I was 13 years old when I started, my friend was 15 and her name is Jessica. No one really liked us much.. I got made fun of a lot in grade 9. I hated it so much. There was Eric, Shawn, Greg, Andy, and Bryan who were the main people who would constatly make fun of me.
So, I turned 14 not long after the school year started, and that's when I fell into Depression. No one liked me, I was always made fun of, also by other students because I was still a sped. Everyone thought "sped" meant people who couldn't do anything, and knew nothing at all. They all thought we were all mentally retarded. Stupid idiots didn't know anything.
I was still in horse back riding lessons, but I wasn't at all happy. I'd watch Tina and her friends from outside my window a lot. I'd listen to Lisa and her friends in the next room all the time, my parents were never home... They were always busy working. I'd use to cut myself all the time, and it really would work. I never wanted to kill myself, just feel the pain, and watch myself bleed. I'd cry almost every night. I called Jessica my best friend... but truly she wasn't. We would always get into stupid arguments. I truly was not happy.
One day my mom found all the cuts all over my arms. That didn't go well with her, I remember her crying. Since then she had put me into consling. The first guy she took me to was a straight up asshole. He wasn't nice, and thretend to put me into the hospital. Then I met Tom. Of course I had no intention of talking to him... but I had no choice really. Over the years I got to know him and he was a very nice guy. I seen him all until he retired, which was back in June, 2008; and I was 18.
Grade 10 came, and then came my very first Relationship (See my stories to read about it.) I was 14, very soon to be 15. He was 16 and his name was Shane. (read story!) I was at school on the Monday of the Saturday when I broke up with Shane after he cheated on me. Scott Shane's cousin came over to me, and welll basicly started to yell at me. I was soo upset, I Tina, and Shawn tried to explain to Scott what really happen, however he refused to listen.
I walked away, out from school and just started to walk... I wasn't going anywear... just walking. I stopped at Zellers which wasn't far from Lasalle, I sat down and cried. Then I licked up the blood from my knuckles from when I hit the brick wall. Anyways... I didn't go back, I never went back to Lasalle Secondary again.
Tom told me about a certian program at Cambrian College, called Learning to 18. High school students 16 to 18 could join, it was working at your own pace, working on any course you wanted and going and leaving when ever you wanted. It sounded good to me. So, I wasn't in school for three months.
My 16th birthday wasn't very "sweet" I got a leather coat I always wanted!! ( I love leather.) and... really that is all I remeber. I did cut myself a few times when I was 16, not as much as I did when I was 14 though. So, I started at Cambrian College sometime in November.
My first year at Cambrian wasn't a good one. It was a lot better though, no one ever made fun of me which was good. I was so sick of hearing people's shit. (Stupid, Retard, Ugly, Nasty looking, No one will ever love you, haha Shane cheated on you.) And I no longer got things thrown at me, like food... which happen at school on my 14th Birthday.
Anyways.. I didn't make any friends, I always sat alone, I often wore black. In March we had a few new students come into the class. I found a new crush!!! I wasn't fully over Shane however. He was Native about 5'6ft. Short black hair, and always sat at the back. It took me a while to figure out his name, which I thought I heard wrong at first. His name is Star. Star Miller. (His sister Naomi is pregnant.) It took me a very, very long time to eventually talk to him. As it turned out he found out I liked him and used that to take advantage of. He's a jerk. (I don't feel anything for him.) He just hurt me, He ditched me a lot. He ditched me on my 17th Birthday.
Also back in March another Native started talking to me. Lance Kanasawe. Star and Lance were both 16 when I met them. (There 19 now) Lance and I never became friends until the next year. (I was fully over Shane, and we no longer were talking.) Anyways me and Lance would always be together, I hung out with him a lot, and he was my new best friend. (pshhh.) He was the only one in the class that came and talked to me "more than once!" So, I was much happier when we became friends. However of course our friendship went down the drain. I was no longer wearing black I started wearing colours!! And I never thought about cutting myself. So it was going good for a while, a long time actually... I'd go to parties with him, meet new people, have sex! (I love sex!) and all kinds of stuff. (I "NEVER" got involved with drugs, and never will.)
Later on Lance started to insult me a lot, always talk about Tina pissing me off, take my money, (I spent probably over 300.) sometimes he'd hit me for no reason, and well... He wasn't a friend anymore to me. Although I stayed talking to him and hanging out with him. (I had no one else.) When the time of deciding to go with a Heart Transplant. I asked him things, He only made it worse. "Just get a new heart, then it's over." Oh, yes... Because it's that easy. He would take advantage of me when I was drunk. Weather I was "there" or not. (If you know what I mean.) I did end up meeting my second Boyfriend, Stephane. He had just turned 18. I hung out with him until I had to move to Toronto in March, March 13th we left. He came up while I was in surgery. But later he dumped me.... In the hospital. I still don't know why to this day.
In October after my 18th Birthday. (Star ditched me again, and I spent it with my parents. Was a good B/day though.) Lance brought me to Loraine St. A place I'm not familur with, and by 11 at night, He told me straight to my face. "Now, I wish you really did 'die' in Toronto." He was refuring to when I had my Transplant. Then him and his friends left. Ever since then, I have never talked to him again, or spoke with him. (I never will.) It's almost been a year since it happen. However Tina still hangs around with him. She knows what he done, but she doesn't care. Just like the time I was going in for my Transplant. Stupid nurse forgot to give me the Pre-Meds, to help me relax. We were waiting right infront of the Operation room, when I started crying. (I was terrifed.) My mom, dad, sisters, and grand-parents where with me, they all were talking to me. Lisa hugged me and she started to cry a bit, same as my grandmother. Tina... Was the furthest away standing up against the wall, with her arms crossed. She never said anything to me. (I had a bigger chance of death because past surgeries and all the stents put in.) She did nothing. I will never forget that.
Anyways so Lance was gone, once again I was alone. There have been many times were I think I didn't desserve a second chance. Shortly after my grandpa passed away, my mom discoverd .. my sexuality, well what I like and fetishs.. Something you kep secert from family, also Lisa found out to... Tina.. Tina always somewhat knew! I remeber my mom saying to me, "I thought I raised you right. Grandpa just died and your putting me through this? Why.... I've always been there with you when you've been in the hospital, and you thank me like this?" I went to my room and cried... I'm always crying. She really made me feel horrible. Then Lisa had a huge talk with me. I hate myself a lot. Stuff like that make me feel I didn't desserve a new heart.
This is what happend between me and Jeff. Our break-Up.
The Past months have been pretty good, the same old usual stuff has been going on, but they've been better and more exciting with Jeff. I still been going down to Toronto for my Heart-Biopsy's, and also been able to see Jeff when I go down. We'd go out and get something to eat, go back to his place... have some fun! We'd watch T.v, go to the movies and we really got along.
On my Birthday, which was on October 16th, 08. I met up with my ex-boyfreind Stephane, and he took me out to Solid Gold, which is a strip club, "I wanted to go." heh! It was pretty neat, the girls were good looking and most were good dancers. Was a good time, although I almost got kicked out! The next day, was a Friday and I had planned on going up to Toronto. I had my bus tickets and Stephane drove me to the bus station. I was really excited!
So, about 4 and a half hours later, I arrived at the Toronto bus deopt. I had to wait a bit for Jeff to show up... His parents were in town, so we went over to Callie's house for some better privacy. (Callie is Jeff's ex.) Callie was there with her new Master also named Jeff, but he's way older he's 48. Anyways we hung out, talked and went out for super, then came back and I got some Ice Cream cake!!! It was really good!! Then I even got some presents hehe. Callie got me a nice glass dildo. Callie's Jeff got me some "knee pads." Heh, If you Get IT ;) And Jeff got me a bottle of Champain, Body butter, chocolates!! The Champain was actually very good, I thought it was going to be somewhat like wine... but I was wrong.
Later we all played together, and palyed some silly little games, but it was very fun and etertaining. Callie and Jeff left, they went to his house Callie was spending the weekend with him, and she let us stay at her place for the weekend. Jeff brought me to another strip club, a smaller one, and the girl's couldn't dance... but it was all good. And of course Jeff and I played for a while. watched T.v played, Went to bed.... played, went to sleep hehe.
We didn't do all that much on the weekend... But, on Saturday sometime in the evening, when we were playing; He whiped me until I cried. hehe. Anyways, he went in the other room, then came out holding a nice collar. He sat down beside me... and he gave me the collar and told me it was mine now. That made me so happy. I wanted to cry out of happiness, but held back. Being given that collar meant so much to me. I felt liked someone finally cared, and I belonged. I was now his true slave, but not just a slave... I was an 'owned' Slave.
Everything was good. I was happy, I wasn't alone anymore. I finally had someone to talk to, to talk to on Msn, the phone, and even to text. He was really good at texting me back, never took long at all. I fell in love with Jeff. It was never my intention, but things happen. And that's exactly what happen. I don't know how he really felt about me, I have no idea. and I'll probably never know.
Things started getting rough around Christmas time. We argued a lot. He wasn't texting me like he did before. It took a while before I'd get a response. It annoyed me, I got something for him from Christmas, and couldn't wait to give it to him. He said the next time we see each other, he'd come down here. And he promised he'd try to come around the Christmas Holiday. Jeff's Jewish, so he wouldn't really be missing anything. What really got me upset, was when he didn't call or even text me on, Christmas eve, Christmas Day, or Boxing day. I mean just because your Jewish, doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to me on Christmas. It doesn't seem like a big problem but it really hurt me.
A few days later he told me he wasn't comming to Sudbury, he was "never" comming to Sudbury again. and he didn't want to come down, and then he told me he was leaving for Montreal with buddies for New Years. That hurt a bit, I knew right away.. Montreal + Girls = Jeff fooling around. He'd already made out with some bitch on Halloween. He didn't even seem to care that he was hurting me and what he was saying to me.
I felt so alone, and I was bored, and very lonely. I chatted online and met some guy, I decided to go out with him to have a few drinks, it was New Years day well... night. So, I thought why not. He brought me all the way down town, and I was sitting on his couch, and he got me a drink, rum and coke. All I remember was getting more talkitive while watching the movie 300. I got drunk on my first drink. That is not normal, It wasn't that big of a glass, and if it was that strong... I wouldn't of drank it.
I was drugged. He put something in my drink. Next thing I remember I was kneeling on the floor, with no clothes on, crying. I'm not sure what he was saying, but I remember it wasn't very nice just made me cry even more. Then, I remember trying to look for my cell phone, but never found it. He drove me home. I don't know what time it was around, but it was late. Everyone was in bed. I felt so stupid, and worthless. I was crying even more, and telling myself outloud, "I'm so fucking stupid." I repated it over and over. As I then started hitting myself hard on the right side of my face. I felt sick, and stupid, worthless, and hurt. I tried calling Jeff. I was laying on the floor with the phone, he wasn't answering. So, I kep calling. All I wanted was to tell Jeff, and talk to someone, I wanted some comfort. I was sure Jeff would help me. But.... I was wrong.
He finally answerd, and he was pissed off. He started yelling at me because of how many times I callled and said he was busy or something, I'm sure I told him what happen... Well, what did he care? He didn't. He didn't ask anything, Not are you okay? how you feeling? what did you do? what did he do? NOTHING. Just yelled.... I don't really remeber what happen next. He probably hung up. So, there I lay now crying even more and loud. I was so hurt. My heart just sank, and I felt as if I was nothing. No one cared anymore. I didn't belong anymore... I was just nothing to anyone, so useless.
After hitting myself even harder, I finally got up.... and, well I took some handfulls of different types of medication that I have to take daily. I don't remember anything else until the next day. I took even more pills because I didn't think the ones I took worked. Later in the day, I deffinetly knew something wasn't right. I felt dizzy, light-headed, weak, I was turning blue, I was slightly sluring my words, then even later I couldn't walk properly, and I started to hulusinate like crazy. My mom noticed when she saw me walk, and when she saw that my colour was blue. I think I called Jeff, could have been a dream though. I told him I took the pills, and I argued with him about him not caring or anything. Jeff then broke it off with me. It was a horrible time. It was January 4th, when my mom brought me into the hospital.
On the way there, I was sure I was going to die. I was dizzy, couldn't sit up straight, was falling asleep, and my heart was beating very, very slow. I felt it was going to stop at any minute.
I've been close to death before, it's not scary... it really isn't. Just an over-whelming sadness, except this time, must of been because of the over-does... but I felt nothing. I didn't care that I thought I was dying. I really didn't care.
Walking into the Emergancy, I had to hold on to my mom, I could barely walk. One of my legs were like paralized, I couldn't move it. And I couldn't breath properly. I remember seeing two Golden retrevier puppies. I pointed them out, "Look at the puppies, there so cute." My mom seemed confused, "What puppies"? I pointed again, "Right there." "Lynda there are no puppies." I got slightly annoyed... They were right in front of us. I swear they were there.
I remember laying on the hospital bed, while a bunch of nurses were around me. I was hooked up to the heart-moniter machine. I had severl I.V's in my left arm, a blood pressure cup on my right arm, bandaids from blood work, an oxygen mask on. I was really annoyed. I wasn't compfy, and I was upset. I must have been hullisinating because I remember looking at mom, and I asked "Is it the same day" Dad said No, then mom said yes. Then she said, you need another Transplant I got scared, then she said something about the Momoreial hospital. I started crying out of sever confusion. I didn't need a Transplant, and when a doctor asked me where I was, I said, "Toronto"? Then said, "The Momoreial"? I didn't know were it was. Mom said I was yelling at people because I thought they were talking about me..? I do not remember that, and I know for sure she said that. I do remember yelling at the nurses. I thought I seen Jeff, but he was in scrubs...? Then I seen Shane also in scrubs? I was soo confused.
Then "Jeff" came with someone else (Must have been a doctor lol) and he told the other guy to dump me. Yeah, I did say I was hullusinating like crazy. Then I was crying, and tried to talk to one of the nurses that I thought at the time was Jeff.
Mom also said they had to tie me down.... wow, I so do not remeber that. Like this sounds like some random person, That isn't me. I probably remember when they had to do that, I just don't remeber getting tied down. They put me to sleep a few times, with.... "the Mask" the biggest fear in my life. They put it up to my face, and I freaked out. That's all I remember. Next my right whrist hurt so much, I looked and there was a huge long blueish grey bruise. I knew I didn't do that. It was the stupid nurses, when they tried to put a line in, an I'V line.
I was in the I.C.U for two weeks. When I actually had a room, a private room to, I finally stopped hullsinating, and all the past memories finally came to place, and I was back with reality. I was still weak and everything, just back in life and reality. I almost caused myself brain damage. Very close to it. If it happen, I wouldn't be able to do anything on my own... Not even walk. I took a lot, "A LOT" of pills. After all of this, Jeff hadn't even called, he didn't care... he never tried to help. When I could think properly again. He was back on my mind. And all I could do for a few days was cry. It still hurt. My heart still ached.
They didn't let me go home though, they put me on the ground floor and admitted me into Phsycatoriy. At first I felt horrible, I didn't want to be there. I felt so depressed, sad, and I was very hopeless. I cried for the first two days. I never got good sleep, but I finally got used to it. I started to eat a lot and drink, and also drank a lot of tea. They surved good food, had two rooms for watching t.v. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. But I'm happy to be home now. I was starting to get annoyed with the place. I talked to a few people everyone there was nice.
When I finally got a day pass, I went home... and stupidly called Jeff. He still didn't say anything, he didn't care, later he pulled out my heart. He told me, he didn't want to be my friend, he told me never to call him, he told never to text him, he blocked me on msn, he told me I was nothing but a basicly a random fuck, He told me I as just another slut, and... he told me he hated me. He never wanted to see me again. He just tore me apart, at my worst too. WhY? why would anyone be so damn hatefull and cruel when someone almost succsseded on killing themself? How? I still don't understand how and why... I always thought I meant something. I'm such an idiot to even think that. It still hurts, I'm still recovering.
